I want to be on the beach. In the sun. Not here. But for now...I will survive with just a little sun.

Shattered.

I have hurt myself and the worst part is that there is no one but me to blame. I can try, but unfortunately eventually everything comes crashing back to the realization that I have hurt myself again. Yes, I think that I might break. I am so depressed and I feel like the people that I live with, first, don't give a fuck that I am dying inside and number two don't realize that they are partially responsible. It is a lack of perspective. I have it, I hate that I have perspective but I have it and I use it every which way and so for me it is hard to not be exceedingly frustrated when others can't bother to stop being so god damn selfish for one minute and try to understand anyone other than themselves.

Does blow help you forget about someone who can only dish out hatred? The answer is no. I had no idea that materialistically speaking someone so seemingly nice can be so nasty:

"Kelly I am sorry for breaking your candle holder, I am depressed and didn't mean to knock it off the table."

"No, seriously Jo, the meaning of sorry is I won't do it again and you have and it's ridiculous. Stop touching my stuff and talking to me. Honestly I don't even want to talk to you anymore. You're fucked up Joe."

Thank you oh so much for that perspective, if it wasn't for you I would have forgotten that I am deeply depressed and you never gave a shit about your supposed friend. Actually, I would have appreciated and actual knife in the back opposed to this cowardly selfish monologue that dips into the explanation of your own insecurities and obvious immaturities. Nice.

For now all I can do is figure out how much I am worth. Or if I feel like I worth any sort of saving. I have been through this before, I have been flipped out on and been the one people vent their frustrations and whatever is bothering them through coming up with absurd reason to hate someone. It is ridiculous. Some people need the attention, some people are genuinely confused, and some are so afraid of being in the wrong that it is easier to to hate me then to accept any sort of guilt. Oh well. All I can do now is sigh quietly to myself and try to the self hate and the hurt consume me, because for right now, in this moment, it is consuming me.

1-800-IAM-CUPID

Do I seep out some sort of smell that lets people know that they can tell me their secrets or that I want to be told any secrets at all? I am consumed by people's secrets. I have secrets too, you know. I have things that I need to remember to keep from people, and how can I do that when my head is filling up with other people's junk. I have so much on my mind.

I don't want to be with anyone ever again, i am being consumed right now. It is like a pack of wolves is devouring my brain. It is frustrating.

First off when was it okay to leave the country and then come back with a girlfriend? When he left I thought everything would be back together, he said he missed me, he said everything to lead me to believe we would be back the way we were. Instead he came back with a girlfriend. Which would have been fine, if he had the fucking courtesy to pick up the fucking phone and let me know that he moved on or was in process of moving on. Instead i heard silence. That is all I hear lately. Silence. So not only does he not inform me that he moved on but after a week of silence he thinks it is okay to let me know he does have a girlfriend and that even though he is with her, he is not over me. Well, fucking great. Now I used to have an enormous amount of feeling for *James, but now, well now I just do not know. How can I be with someone who thinks of me as their "weekend whore" or someone who is the greener grass on the other side of the pasture, but when we are together can not wait to get away from me. I was the biggest vice in his life, or so he put on, and now he is with someone else, but cannot stop thinking of me? That is hard to believe. Is it a lie?

Now I am no stranger to this, " I am with a girl but you are actually the love of my life" scenario, in fact I am all too familiar with it. In fact almost every guy that I have really wanted in my life has had this sort of rebound back to someone he previously went out with. I am cupid for those bastards. Jesus Christ, i have just had this realization that I am fucking cupid. So if anyone wants to find their true love just sleep with me and you will find them in no time. The question is where does that leave me? Is this my eventual fate?

I want to scream but I feel like when I do I choke on the realization that it is my fault. Is it wrong of me to want to find someone who can make me smile, because that is all I am doing. That is all I want. I don't want kids, marriage, the great fucking job, or anything unless I am happy. But when it comes down to it, I am afraid that my life is going to be full of James', guys that I think will make me happy, but in reality are the death of me. Thanks James, for fucking me over.

12:40. Everything went down. On Friday. No one heard a sound. I am falling down, in starlight.The sound of songs, now fading. This bed, these pills, they're painting. What will they say tomorrow? You know you can't be late. Wait downtown, and I'll be there. We don't need a story. No one needs a story like I do, with you. With you. I am slipping back. I wish it was tomorrow. Let it be tomorrow.

Waste. It is the only word suitable for what happened. Not that I am surprised, even though I put it on like I am. I knew it was over before it happened. It is like that song by the Cranberries, No Need to Argue. "I gave all I could but it left me so sore. And the thing that makes me mad, is the one thing that I had, I knew, I knew, I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me. And I remember all the thing we once shared. Watching TV, movies on the living room arm chair. But they say it will work out fine. Was it always dark times, cause I knew I would lose you. Will I forget in time, you said iI was on your mind. There is no need to argue anymore." I feel like I found someone I am somehow meant to be with. Of course there are inconsistencies with what we had to the 'dream' whatever that is, but now I am heart broken. He doesn't know how hurt I am. I was slightly disposable to him, or I assumed so. I tear up just thinking about it. What a waste.

I just had an eventful weekend. I never thought I would be a part of a group that needed the support of other people. Actively I am not a part of an such group, just figuratively. Which in a sense is even worse. I can never attribute to why I feel the need to do some of the extreme things I do. I always have had theories, such as loneliness, want, greediness, or even just straight depression. However, my own sister, through a conversion we had recently, explained her analysis of why I always acted out in a somewhat irrational way. She attributed my behavior to not feeling like I am enough. I realized this is my biggest fear in life. This is the very thing that has in turn stopped from completely things and in other forms has made me act out in a self destructive way, like binge drinking.
I have four older sisters and they, being so much older than I, seemingly set the stage for me not being as successful as they are. Ever since I was little, my older sisters would be in Calculus and such examples and I would be in elementary math, being that I was in elementary school, and if I was afraid that if I didn't completely succeed I would be seen as worthless, because they were in the higher math and I wasn't. Even though I couldn't help that. Isn't that a bit ridiculous. however this behavior not only escalated but it escalated at alarming rates. I am afraid how to handle this. I t is scary thinking about this, because the question ultimately is not whether or not this is my problem, it is how will I be comfortable with who I am. For so long I have been avoiding that very question, and now after the past week events, I am forced to stare at it head on. To be honest I am terrified. I almost just want to abandon it and drink some more, take some shots. I mean how can I even think about some thing so scary when I feel this hole in my being because I am not drunk. I would rather philosophize on acid and high than being completely sober and have to admit that I have to look at this alone, without any substance and without any help from anyone. How do you do that? What kind of courage does that take?

I am in Alfred visiting and I am sitting behind Eric while he is playing Call of Duty and it started me thinking, how much time do we spend playing these games and watching them, and why is it sooo worth it? It is almost like Second Life, the online computer game in which you can make a different life . You can be anyone you want to be. You can have affairs and courts are actually taking them seriously which is the stranger thing. I love the games because I like working to especially good at something. I even play Mafia Wars like a maniac, just to be the best. Which is kind of obscure since I should be applying that need to real life, like school. However I wonder what makes me not care, but then on the other hand care so much about something so useless? Isn't it weird how I work?

Shaaa la la la la la live for today annnddd don't worry about tommorrowww.