I am have recently understood something important about myself. I can be friends with people who are mean, sarcastic, and are even a bit obnoxious, but I cannot be friends with someone who I do not respect. Not in any light. This is significant, because I have recently realized I hold a sort of contempt for a very important relationship I have, because I do not respect that person. I want to, so badly love this person in every way, but I do not like who this person has warped into. It makes me sad and disappointed in myself, yet it is not something I want to change. I can still watch Vit C's music video Graduation, and think about how wonderful that friendship was and I hope one day it will be like that again. I can just wait and see.

Angles Will Fall On Me

Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment love begins, but we always recognize the moment it ends? I am here by myself, devastated. I will fall on my knees if someone could just tell me where to go and the way to be. I have never been in love with someone alive. This is the worst kind of pain, I just miss him. He is everything to me and I, instead, have to be here, the exact place I don't want to be. I don't see clearly and I feel everything. Can't anyone hear me? I want so much for him to be here with me. Or me with him. I don't care, as long as I am with him. I can't believe how ridiculous this is. I feel completely one sided in this, which makes it worse. Only because he is not here. He asked me, " You're not going to be emotional are you?" But I am. I am everything I didn't want to be, except for him. Please come home.

You would just wait down town, if you would just wait downtown, I'll be there. No one tells a story like I do. Like I do. Like I do. Like I do with you. Obsession, or an idee fixe is a preoccupation of mind held so firmly as to resist any attempt to modify it, a fixation. No, no you can't be late. What will they say tomorrow. This bed, these pills are painting. They make me feel like leaving. I am not a nice person. Manipulative? yes. Nice? no.

I want to lie on my bed and stare down the folds of translucent sheeting that sweeps across my ceiling. The light trickled through it like a bride's face through her veil. Perfection and bliss come together like a beacon of hope that I might one day not have to stare in her face.

Tell me something new, something good, and something to convince me that I don't need you. People have this way of knowing everything. They take one short look and then move on. Don't.

I Will End Up an Old Hag

This is pretty awkward to mention on here, but whatever I guess I write about whatever I want, no matter the consequences. Everyone knows what I am like ... perfectly content for two weeks and then there are those few days where I want to blow my fucking brains out. Yes, I understand most people have medication for that, but I, instead, write down what I am thinking and somehow it makes me feel a minuscule bit better; as if writing is better than doing.
Lately I have been becoming skinnier and for some reason my eyes have turned into this permanent emerald color the less I eat. Now, I know I am not anorexic, as anorexic as this sounds, that I like not eating, that I could do with out it most of the time. The downsides to this situation I have started creating for myself is that my energy is crazy low so I sleep more. More importantly I am very happy during the day and then depressed at night. I cannot love myself more than ever. I always have this general liking toward myself, but most of the time I don't enjoy my own company. I am afraid of what this means. I cannot be told that I am beautiful without brushing it off a few minutes later. The initial shock is thrilling, but then it wears off. Even by someone I love. How can you love someone else if you don't love yourself? Something I am constantly battling.
The saddest part about this situation is that even though it is more extreme I have always been like this. Even when anyone would ever show interest in me I would avoid them as much as possible, knowing that they would probably not like me as a person anyways, so why bother? So I just end up sitting here crying about how right I am.

Peacefully Chomping Poem Philosophy

I have decided that Tennyson really did know a thing or two. His poem "The Lotos-Eaters" oddly connects me to his philosophies. It describes a boatload of mariners singing a song whilst high. They go on to sing that life is smelly, to rough on their back, and their significant others and sons are getting old and don't even appreciate their hard work. They realize being high is the only way, because all they want is peace. Me too.

Welp, I just got back from Wal-Mart and my credit card was declined...FUCKING AGAIN. I swear to God that I am going to kill the bank of america woman and kill her grandmother. This was not my fault. So I am sure Laura is pissed that she had to cover the bill again. I will pay her tomorrow though so all is not lost, but it probly didn't help her grouch mood.

School starts soon, which is amazing but I don't want to see my crazy ex-hous

e mates around campus. It would be uncomfortable and they are psycho, so I have no idea what they would do if they saw me. I wanna wear Kelly's pants and write on them, "Kelly is a slut face", which all in all is inaccurate. She wanted to be, but it didn't work out. However, I mean it in the sense that she is a butt face but it is less

9 year mentality and moves right into the 14 year old mentality...only 7 years to catch up to! Whoo! You say Tomato and I say... Fuck you.

I know you can be busy, but seriously, I feel like I am doing everything with this apart

ment and everything I don't do I have to really push Laura to do. I miss living in a dorm complex thing and I miss the college life and the drinking slash partying. This is minorly real life. And real life...really sucks.

Let's watch some Bones and forget that this blows and hope that I have enough mula for the tattoo guy. Yikes.

Farting Failures.

I am nervous as all hell. I want to stop worrying about everything.

Why do we worry about anything? Is it from the fear of failure and judgement from our peers? Why is failing so bad? Does it disrupt some sort of pattern in our society if everything does not align together? When did we as a race become so ept to being an assembly line?

We are programmed at school that failure is bad. We are punished with poor grades, detentions, social stigma and so on. This system is designed to train us all to be happy little workers. To be trained to confirm, do what we are told and like it. If you are failing at something then you are learning. If you stop learning you might as well give up on life.

If I fail anything I keep it to myself, I don't want to engage in a pity party. If I need some tips on how to pass next time then I will ask for those instead.

For example, if you fail your exam you have learned about your weak areas. Better in the exam than on live network. You have learned that your hands on speed needs work. You have learned about stress and anxiety and that you need to learn some relaxation techniques; which is something i obviously need.The Japanese have a saying 'Fall down seven times, stand up eight.' If you keep going towards your goals then you are successful. If you quit then you are a failure.

The motto we should be holding for each other is farting failures. In that failing are like little farts that aren't smelly but are embarrassingly loud. Get over it and carry on with your life. It should be so much simpler to get over failure, but maybe this is not the case because we need the embarrassment of failing to have the enthusiasm to do better the next time? I hope not.