I am in Alfred visiting and I am sitting behind Eric while he is playing Call of Duty and it started me thinking, how much time do we spend playing these games and watching them, and why is it sooo worth it? It is almost like Second Life, the online computer game in which you can make a different life . You can be anyone you want to be. You can have affairs and courts are actually taking them seriously which is the stranger thing. I love the games because I like working to especially good at something. I even play Mafia Wars like a maniac, just to be the best. Which is kind of obscure since I should be applying that need to real life, like school. However I wonder what makes me not care, but then on the other hand care so much about something so useless? Isn't it weird how I work?

Shaaa la la la la la live for today annnddd don't worry about tommorrowww.

I read for a few hours today at Starry Nights and drank coffee like I was drinking water in the desert. The combination of the caffeine and the characters in my Ayn Rand book made me hyper and very smiley. Although it helps to have a great happy day when the day before was such shit. The day before the characters frustrated me to the point where I would snap at people. It is interesting how emotionally invested I get when I read novels like Rands'. I almost cried at Starry Nights today when Rearden deeply insulted the women that is his other half, telling her she would never be anything but a whore to him. Maybe it was cause it was out of the blue but I think it was because I feel like when a character does that, they are talking to me. In any case being so invested in a book is better than being high. The clarity of the world and of the importance if the problems you thought you had disintegrate like vapor. I left the cafe and the stars were out and instead of watching where I step through the uneven snowy sidewalks, I was looking at their grandness and the grandeur of the buildings that have been there forever but this clarity gave me a reminder of love I have for them. Not only do I appreciate everything better, but I have love for everything and everyone. I just want to kiss everyone in sight. I want to hug every stranger, books warm my heart and give me such a natural high, it is almost ridiculous. Which is why I will never be able to understand why people don't like books or to read.

Tomorrow I leave for Potsdam with Gerlinde and Sammy doos. I think the reason I love Gerlinde so much, or one of the many reason is that she will tell people what she thinks. I have an undying respect for people that do that. I hate when someone has a problem with another person and instead of carefully explaining to them what it is, they avoid the whole situation. However they don't forget it, they hold on to it and I do not have patience for those people. I am not saying I have that problem now, but it is something I have learned to be a virtue among my friends if they have it. It seems like such a waste of time to keep some huge agitation on your own shoulders. A waste of life and energy.

I am so excited for Jacks and Kell move in. :)

Old Bitch Warrior

Night Drive by all american is heading up the competition for my boarding playlist. I am so hung over right now. I feel like i want o puke up my stomach and intestines. New Years! It is so lucky that my sister is also my best friend. I love going out and in the middle of weaving through endless bar crowds, suddenly people part, just in time for you to drop your jaw and realize that a good friend of your that you never expected to see out that night is right in front of you. Of course that is when you both topple over after tripping on each other in a big drunken hug. Yikes. There is this moving night club in Praguecalled the Tramix and it is a train type street car with 3 bars and it just roams around with music blasting! Its like this bad ass shoulder radio. There is no better way to get pumped about going out and partying the night away. I wish we had somethign like that in Rochester.

I am home from school and I feel so mellow, and I hope this does not sound too ridiculous, but I don't have to worry about anything right now. Which feels insane. I don't have to pay for housing, food, school, no work to do. I can do whatever I want. It is amazing. I just wanna lounge and read Ayn Rand and do nothing with my time. Bar hopping at night and snowboarding and Starbucks during the day. this is what i would do if

I won the lottery. It could also be the fact that I don't have my phone right now... big surprise. However, the better side of this carelessness is that I can not be reached. It is less to worry about in a way, so I haven't completely decided if it is a good thing or not, I am going with not.

I feel kind of left though. It seems like everyone is leaving and it is not that I am lonely as much as disheveled. I like continuity when it comes to relationships and having people in and out of your life feels wrong. I mean when your friend comes to visit or your family member it is great, but when it is 5 of your closest friends and some other people running in and out, its disheartening. Maybe it is lately I keep meaning

well but when I try to fix things I make bad decisions. Very stupid decisions and in the end I am completely unreliable. I will wander off thinking it is an excellent idea and then I will be lost and wonder why everyone left me. Stupid decisions. I miss not doing anything and never feeling like this, but I am positive I always have, which makes my missing pointless and stupid. Stupid decisions.

Can you keep yourself from doing the same thing you promised you would never do, but at the same time you know your the same person? Maybe you haven't reached that point, the point when the person you are judging them is at. It is hard to admit that you are not as experienced as someone else, which is why an age is such an issue. I am not sure why, maybe it is because if you are not as old as someone else it is automatically assumed that you do not know as much as that person which makes you stupid in comparison? That's stupid in itself. This causes separation and is a part of our generations increasing selfishness, that we learned from the irresponsible nature of our parents decade. Stupid decisions.