This is pretty awkward to mention on here, but whatever I guess I write about whatever I want, no matter the consequences. Everyone knows what I am like ... perfectly content for two weeks and then there are those few days where I want to blow my fucking brains out. Yes, I
understand most people have medication for that, but I, instead, write down what I am thinking and somehow it makes me feel a minuscule bit better; as if writing is better than doing.Lately I have been becoming skinnier and for some reason my eyes have turned into this permanent emerald color the less I eat. Now, I know I am not anorexic, as anorexic as this sounds, that I like not eating, that I could do with out it most of the time. The downsides to this situation I have started creating for myself is that my energy is crazy low so I sleep more. More importantly I am very happy during the day and then depressed at night. I cannot love myself more than ever. I always have this general liking toward myself, but most of the time I don't enjoy my own company. I am afraid of what this means. I cannot be told that I am beautiful without brushing it off a few minutes later. The initial shock is thrilling, but then it wears off. Even by someone I love. How can you love someone else if you don't love yourself? Something I am constantly battling.
The saddest part about this situation is that even though it is more extreme I have always been like this. Even when anyone would ever show interest in me I would avoid them as much as possible, knowing that they would probably not like me as a person anyways, so why bother? So I just end up sitting here crying about how right I am.
