12:40. Everything went down. On Friday. No one heard a sound. I am falling down, in starlight.The sound of songs, now fading. This bed, these pills, they're painting. What will they say tomorrow? You know you can't be late. Wait downtown, and I'll be there. We don't need a story. No one needs a story like I do, with you. With you. I am slipping back. I wish it was tomorrow. Let it be tomorrow.

Waste. It is the only word suitable for what happened. Not that I am surprised, even though I put it on like I am. I knew it was over before it happened. It is like that song by the Cranberries, No Need to Argue. "I gave all I could but it left me so sore. And the thing that makes me mad, is the one thing that I had, I knew, I knew, I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me. And I remember all the thing we once shared. Watching TV, movies on the living room arm chair. But they say it will work out fine. Was it always dark times, cause I knew I would lose you. Will I forget in time, you said iI was on your mind. There is no need to argue anymore." I feel like I found someone I am somehow meant to be with. Of course there are inconsistencies with what we had to the 'dream' whatever that is, but now I am heart broken. He doesn't know how hurt I am. I was slightly disposable to him, or I assumed so. I tear up just thinking about it. What a waste.

I just had an eventful weekend. I never thought I would be a part of a group that needed the support of other people. Actively I am not a part of an such group, just figuratively. Which in a sense is even worse. I can never attribute to why I feel the need to do some of the extreme things I do. I always have had theories, such as loneliness, want, greediness, or even just straight depression. However, my own sister, through a conversion we had recently, explained her analysis of why I always acted out in a somewhat irrational way. She attributed my behavior to not feeling like I am enough. I realized this is my biggest fear in life. This is the very thing that has in turn stopped from completely things and in other forms has made me act out in a self destructive way, like binge drinking.
I have four older sisters and they, being so much older than I, seemingly set the stage for me not being as successful as they are. Ever since I was little, my older sisters would be in Calculus and such examples and I would be in elementary math, being that I was in elementary school, and if I was afraid that if I didn't completely succeed I would be seen as worthless, because they were in the higher math and I wasn't. Even though I couldn't help that. Isn't that a bit ridiculous. however this behavior not only escalated but it escalated at alarming rates. I am afraid how to handle this. I t is scary thinking about this, because the question ultimately is not whether or not this is my problem, it is how will I be comfortable with who I am. For so long I have been avoiding that very question, and now after the past week events, I am forced to stare at it head on. To be honest I am terrified. I almost just want to abandon it and drink some more, take some shots. I mean how can I even think about some thing so scary when I feel this hole in my being because I am not drunk. I would rather philosophize on acid and high than being completely sober and have to admit that I have to look at this alone, without any substance and without any help from anyone. How do you do that? What kind of courage does that take?

I am in Alfred visiting and I am sitting behind Eric while he is playing Call of Duty and it started me thinking, how much time do we spend playing these games and watching them, and why is it sooo worth it? It is almost like Second Life, the online computer game in which you can make a different life . You can be anyone you want to be. You can have affairs and courts are actually taking them seriously which is the stranger thing. I love the games because I like working to especially good at something. I even play Mafia Wars like a maniac, just to be the best. Which is kind of obscure since I should be applying that need to real life, like school. However I wonder what makes me not care, but then on the other hand care so much about something so useless? Isn't it weird how I work?

Shaaa la la la la la live for today annnddd don't worry about tommorrowww.

I read for a few hours today at Starry Nights and drank coffee like I was drinking water in the desert. The combination of the caffeine and the characters in my Ayn Rand book made me hyper and very smiley. Although it helps to have a great happy day when the day before was such shit. The day before the characters frustrated me to the point where I would snap at people. It is interesting how emotionally invested I get when I read novels like Rands'. I almost cried at Starry Nights today when Rearden deeply insulted the women that is his other half, telling her she would never be anything but a whore to him. Maybe it was cause it was out of the blue but I think it was because I feel like when a character does that, they are talking to me. In any case being so invested in a book is better than being high. The clarity of the world and of the importance if the problems you thought you had disintegrate like vapor. I left the cafe and the stars were out and instead of watching where I step through the uneven snowy sidewalks, I was looking at their grandness and the grandeur of the buildings that have been there forever but this clarity gave me a reminder of love I have for them. Not only do I appreciate everything better, but I have love for everything and everyone. I just want to kiss everyone in sight. I want to hug every stranger, books warm my heart and give me such a natural high, it is almost ridiculous. Which is why I will never be able to understand why people don't like books or to read.

Tomorrow I leave for Potsdam with Gerlinde and Sammy doos. I think the reason I love Gerlinde so much, or one of the many reason is that she will tell people what she thinks. I have an undying respect for people that do that. I hate when someone has a problem with another person and instead of carefully explaining to them what it is, they avoid the whole situation. However they don't forget it, they hold on to it and I do not have patience for those people. I am not saying I have that problem now, but it is something I have learned to be a virtue among my friends if they have it. It seems like such a waste of time to keep some huge agitation on your own shoulders. A waste of life and energy.

I am so excited for Jacks and Kell move in. :)

Old Bitch Warrior

Night Drive by all american is heading up the competition for my boarding playlist. I am so hung over right now. I feel like i want o puke up my stomach and intestines. New Years! It is so lucky that my sister is also my best friend. I love going out and in the middle of weaving through endless bar crowds, suddenly people part, just in time for you to drop your jaw and realize that a good friend of your that you never expected to see out that night is right in front of you. Of course that is when you both topple over after tripping on each other in a big drunken hug. Yikes. There is this moving night club in Praguecalled the Tramix and it is a train type street car with 3 bars and it just roams around with music blasting! Its like this bad ass shoulder radio. There is no better way to get pumped about going out and partying the night away. I wish we had somethign like that in Rochester.

I am home from school and I feel so mellow, and I hope this does not sound too ridiculous, but I don't have to worry about anything right now. Which feels insane. I don't have to pay for housing, food, school, no work to do. I can do whatever I want. It is amazing. I just wanna lounge and read Ayn Rand and do nothing with my time. Bar hopping at night and snowboarding and Starbucks during the day. this is what i would do if

I won the lottery. It could also be the fact that I don't have my phone right now... big surprise. However, the better side of this carelessness is that I can not be reached. It is less to worry about in a way, so I haven't completely decided if it is a good thing or not, I am going with not.

I feel kind of left though. It seems like everyone is leaving and it is not that I am lonely as much as disheveled. I like continuity when it comes to relationships and having people in and out of your life feels wrong. I mean when your friend comes to visit or your family member it is great, but when it is 5 of your closest friends and some other people running in and out, its disheartening. Maybe it is lately I keep meaning

well but when I try to fix things I make bad decisions. Very stupid decisions and in the end I am completely unreliable. I will wander off thinking it is an excellent idea and then I will be lost and wonder why everyone left me. Stupid decisions. I miss not doing anything and never feeling like this, but I am positive I always have, which makes my missing pointless and stupid. Stupid decisions.

Can you keep yourself from doing the same thing you promised you would never do, but at the same time you know your the same person? Maybe you haven't reached that point, the point when the person you are judging them is at. It is hard to admit that you are not as experienced as someone else, which is why an age is such an issue. I am not sure why, maybe it is because if you are not as old as someone else it is automatically assumed that you do not know as much as that person which makes you stupid in comparison? That's stupid in itself. This causes separation and is a part of our generations increasing selfishness, that we learned from the irresponsible nature of our parents decade. Stupid decisions.

"My mother was of the sky, my father was of the earth, but I am of the universe and you know what its worth, I am lonely. Wanna die. If I am dead already girl you know the reason why." The Stones :)

The other day a good friend of mine comes upstairs to lounge and admits that a girl that I thought was chill, is not coming because my old room mate and people I used to hang out with all the time, tells everyone asking, that I give off bad vibes. Bad Vibes: meaning all uncomfortable, uneasy, unsafe feelings. Bad vibes were those cautious "stay away, don't do it, don't trust it, watch out, be careful, keep on your toes" instincts that alerted us that something was not okay. Of course this was blurted out to me, I could have cared less that some chick I barely knew was coming to chill. However, it made me think. I think almost every person thinks I am sketchy or that I give off bad vibes. At first I was offended and I still am. These certainly were not people who should be talking about me, since that was why I stopped hanging out with them. Not to mention they kept asking me to come down and hang out and that the very person I don't wanna see, they hate. "Fuck Mike," they say, "dude, Jolene, everyone hates him." Since they hang out with him every day still, I am gonna go with that is pretty sketchy, hence my non-participation. But maybe they have a point.

Maybe I seem sketchy. I don't mean to be. I tell the truth about anyone. I will tell someone I don't like them, but will say it with a smile on my face and maybe that is just it. I don't mind being honest, but I am not trying to start physical fights. In fact I am not trying to start a fight at all, but when I feel strongly about a person I am not going to hang around and let them keep screwing me over. Especially if they make me uncomfortable. That's true with everyone though. It hardly makes me the psychotic one. I have a mind of my own, how outrageous, will someone PLEASE alert the church elders!?

The interesting thought process this led me to, was that these people love drama. Any drama. Which made me laugh eventually. They had nothing to really say about me. Which is surprising, all people can do it focus all their energy on making up anything to cause drama. I have bad vibes? hahaha sheesh. Sounds like it.

It's pretty pathetic.