1-800-IAM-CUPID

Do I seep out some sort of smell that lets people know that they can tell me their secrets or that I want to be told any secrets at all? I am consumed by people's secrets. I have secrets too, you know. I have things that I need to remember to keep from people, and how can I do that when my head is filling up with other people's junk. I have so much on my mind.

I don't want to be with anyone ever again, i am being consumed right now. It is like a pack of wolves is devouring my brain. It is frustrating.

First off when was it okay to leave the country and then come back with a girlfriend? When he left I thought everything would be back together, he said he missed me, he said everything to lead me to believe we would be back the way we were. Instead he came back with a girlfriend. Which would have been fine, if he had the fucking courtesy to pick up the fucking phone and let me know that he moved on or was in process of moving on. Instead i heard silence. That is all I hear lately. Silence. So not only does he not inform me that he moved on but after a week of silence he thinks it is okay to let me know he does have a girlfriend and that even though he is with her, he is not over me. Well, fucking great. Now I used to have an enormous amount of feeling for *James, but now, well now I just do not know. How can I be with someone who thinks of me as their "weekend whore" or someone who is the greener grass on the other side of the pasture, but when we are together can not wait to get away from me. I was the biggest vice in his life, or so he put on, and now he is with someone else, but cannot stop thinking of me? That is hard to believe. Is it a lie?

Now I am no stranger to this, " I am with a girl but you are actually the love of my life" scenario, in fact I am all too familiar with it. In fact almost every guy that I have really wanted in my life has had this sort of rebound back to someone he previously went out with. I am cupid for those bastards. Jesus Christ, i have just had this realization that I am fucking cupid. So if anyone wants to find their true love just sleep with me and you will find them in no time. The question is where does that leave me? Is this my eventual fate?

I want to scream but I feel like when I do I choke on the realization that it is my fault. Is it wrong of me to want to find someone who can make me smile, because that is all I am doing. That is all I want. I don't want kids, marriage, the great fucking job, or anything unless I am happy. But when it comes down to it, I am afraid that my life is going to be full of James', guys that I think will make me happy, but in reality are the death of me. Thanks James, for fucking me over.

12:40. Everything went down. On Friday. No one heard a sound. I am falling down, in starlight.The sound of songs, now fading. This bed, these pills, they're painting. What will they say tomorrow? You know you can't be late. Wait downtown, and I'll be there. We don't need a story. No one needs a story like I do, with you. With you. I am slipping back. I wish it was tomorrow. Let it be tomorrow.

Waste. It is the only word suitable for what happened. Not that I am surprised, even though I put it on like I am. I knew it was over before it happened. It is like that song by the Cranberries, No Need to Argue. "I gave all I could but it left me so sore. And the thing that makes me mad, is the one thing that I had, I knew, I knew, I'd lose you. You'll always be special to me. And I remember all the thing we once shared. Watching TV, movies on the living room arm chair. But they say it will work out fine. Was it always dark times, cause I knew I would lose you. Will I forget in time, you said iI was on your mind. There is no need to argue anymore." I feel like I found someone I am somehow meant to be with. Of course there are inconsistencies with what we had to the 'dream' whatever that is, but now I am heart broken. He doesn't know how hurt I am. I was slightly disposable to him, or I assumed so. I tear up just thinking about it. What a waste.

I just had an eventful weekend. I never thought I would be a part of a group that needed the support of other people. Actively I am not a part of an such group, just figuratively. Which in a sense is even worse. I can never attribute to why I feel the need to do some of the extreme things I do. I always have had theories, such as loneliness, want, greediness, or even just straight depression. However, my own sister, through a conversion we had recently, explained her analysis of why I always acted out in a somewhat irrational way. She attributed my behavior to not feeling like I am enough. I realized this is my biggest fear in life. This is the very thing that has in turn stopped from completely things and in other forms has made me act out in a self destructive way, like binge drinking.
I have four older sisters and they, being so much older than I, seemingly set the stage for me not being as successful as they are. Ever since I was little, my older sisters would be in Calculus and such examples and I would be in elementary math, being that I was in elementary school, and if I was afraid that if I didn't completely succeed I would be seen as worthless, because they were in the higher math and I wasn't. Even though I couldn't help that. Isn't that a bit ridiculous. however this behavior not only escalated but it escalated at alarming rates. I am afraid how to handle this. I t is scary thinking about this, because the question ultimately is not whether or not this is my problem, it is how will I be comfortable with who I am. For so long I have been avoiding that very question, and now after the past week events, I am forced to stare at it head on. To be honest I am terrified. I almost just want to abandon it and drink some more, take some shots. I mean how can I even think about some thing so scary when I feel this hole in my being because I am not drunk. I would rather philosophize on acid and high than being completely sober and have to admit that I have to look at this alone, without any substance and without any help from anyone. How do you do that? What kind of courage does that take?

I am in Alfred visiting and I am sitting behind Eric while he is playing Call of Duty and it started me thinking, how much time do we spend playing these games and watching them, and why is it sooo worth it? It is almost like Second Life, the online computer game in which you can make a different life . You can be anyone you want to be. You can have affairs and courts are actually taking them seriously which is the stranger thing. I love the games because I like working to especially good at something. I even play Mafia Wars like a maniac, just to be the best. Which is kind of obscure since I should be applying that need to real life, like school. However I wonder what makes me not care, but then on the other hand care so much about something so useless? Isn't it weird how I work?

Shaaa la la la la la live for today annnddd don't worry about tommorrowww.

I read for a few hours today at Starry Nights and drank coffee like I was drinking water in the desert. The combination of the caffeine and the characters in my Ayn Rand book made me hyper and very smiley. Although it helps to have a great happy day when the day before was such shit. The day before the characters frustrated me to the point where I would snap at people. It is interesting how emotionally invested I get when I read novels like Rands'. I almost cried at Starry Nights today when Rearden deeply insulted the women that is his other half, telling her she would never be anything but a whore to him. Maybe it was cause it was out of the blue but I think it was because I feel like when a character does that, they are talking to me. In any case being so invested in a book is better than being high. The clarity of the world and of the importance if the problems you thought you had disintegrate like vapor. I left the cafe and the stars were out and instead of watching where I step through the uneven snowy sidewalks, I was looking at their grandness and the grandeur of the buildings that have been there forever but this clarity gave me a reminder of love I have for them. Not only do I appreciate everything better, but I have love for everything and everyone. I just want to kiss everyone in sight. I want to hug every stranger, books warm my heart and give me such a natural high, it is almost ridiculous. Which is why I will never be able to understand why people don't like books or to read.

Tomorrow I leave for Potsdam with Gerlinde and Sammy doos. I think the reason I love Gerlinde so much, or one of the many reason is that she will tell people what she thinks. I have an undying respect for people that do that. I hate when someone has a problem with another person and instead of carefully explaining to them what it is, they avoid the whole situation. However they don't forget it, they hold on to it and I do not have patience for those people. I am not saying I have that problem now, but it is something I have learned to be a virtue among my friends if they have it. It seems like such a waste of time to keep some huge agitation on your own shoulders. A waste of life and energy.

I am so excited for Jacks and Kell move in. :)

Old Bitch Warrior

Night Drive by all american is heading up the competition for my boarding playlist. I am so hung over right now. I feel like i want o puke up my stomach and intestines. New Years! It is so lucky that my sister is also my best friend. I love going out and in the middle of weaving through endless bar crowds, suddenly people part, just in time for you to drop your jaw and realize that a good friend of your that you never expected to see out that night is right in front of you. Of course that is when you both topple over after tripping on each other in a big drunken hug. Yikes. There is this moving night club in Praguecalled the Tramix and it is a train type street car with 3 bars and it just roams around with music blasting! Its like this bad ass shoulder radio. There is no better way to get pumped about going out and partying the night away. I wish we had somethign like that in Rochester.

I am home from school and I feel so mellow, and I hope this does not sound too ridiculous, but I don't have to worry about anything right now. Which feels insane. I don't have to pay for housing, food, school, no work to do. I can do whatever I want. It is amazing. I just wanna lounge and read Ayn Rand and do nothing with my time. Bar hopping at night and snowboarding and Starbucks during the day. this is what i would do if

I won the lottery. It could also be the fact that I don't have my phone right now... big surprise. However, the better side of this carelessness is that I can not be reached. It is less to worry about in a way, so I haven't completely decided if it is a good thing or not, I am going with not.

I feel kind of left though. It seems like everyone is leaving and it is not that I am lonely as much as disheveled. I like continuity when it comes to relationships and having people in and out of your life feels wrong. I mean when your friend comes to visit or your family member it is great, but when it is 5 of your closest friends and some other people running in and out, its disheartening. Maybe it is lately I keep meaning

well but when I try to fix things I make bad decisions. Very stupid decisions and in the end I am completely unreliable. I will wander off thinking it is an excellent idea and then I will be lost and wonder why everyone left me. Stupid decisions. I miss not doing anything and never feeling like this, but I am positive I always have, which makes my missing pointless and stupid. Stupid decisions.

Can you keep yourself from doing the same thing you promised you would never do, but at the same time you know your the same person? Maybe you haven't reached that point, the point when the person you are judging them is at. It is hard to admit that you are not as experienced as someone else, which is why an age is such an issue. I am not sure why, maybe it is because if you are not as old as someone else it is automatically assumed that you do not know as much as that person which makes you stupid in comparison? That's stupid in itself. This causes separation and is a part of our generations increasing selfishness, that we learned from the irresponsible nature of our parents decade. Stupid decisions.