I have hurt myself and the worst part is that there is no one but me to blame. I can try, but unfortunately eventually everything comes crashing back to the realization that I have hurt myself again. Yes, I think that I might break. I am so depressed and I feel like the people that I live with, first, don't give a fuck that I am dying inside and number two don't realize that they are partially responsible. It is a lack of perspective. I have it, I hate that I have perspective but I have it and I use it every which way and so for me it is hard to not be exceedingly frustrated when others can't bother to stop being so god damn selfish for one minute and try to understand anyone other than themselves.Does blow help you forget about someone who can only dish out hatred? The answer is no. I had no idea that materialistically speaking someone so seemingly nice can be so nasty:
"Kelly I am sorry for breaking your candle holder, I am depressed and didn't mean to knock it off the table."
"No, seriously Jo, the meaning of sorry is I won't do it again and you have and it's ridiculous. Stop touching my stuff and talking to me. Honestly I don't even want to talk to you anymore. You're fucked up Joe."
Thank you oh so much for that perspective, if it wasn't for you I would have forgotten that I am deeply depressed and you never gave a shit about your supposed friend. Actually, I would have appreciated and actual knife in the back opposed to this cowardly selfish monologue that dips into the explanation of your own insecurities and obvious immaturities. Nice.
For now all I can do is figure out how much I am worth. Or if I feel like I worth any sort of saving. I have been through this before, I have been flipped out on and been the one people vent their frustrations and whatever is bothering them through coming up with absurd reason to hate someone. It is ridiculous. Some people need the attention, some people are genuinely confused, and some are so afraid of being in the wrong that it is easier to to hate me then to accept any sort of guilt. Oh well. All I can do now is sigh quietly to myself and try to the self hate and the hurt consume me, because for right now, in this moment, it is consuming me.
1 comment:
you mention perspectives. the beautiful thing about perspectives is that we control the perspectives that we have, which in turn inform us of ourselves, who we are, and ultimately what we do. we can inhabit many different perspectives in order to get a better handle on how to navigate our lives, encounter the world, and understand the things around us and within us. keep that in mind. when one perspective seems like the only perspective available, jump ship, take on a new perspective. there are an infinite number of perspectives for us to occupy; and the infinite is beautiful too.
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