Peacefully Chomping Poem Philosophy

I have decided that Tennyson really did know a thing or two. His poem "The Lotos-Eaters" oddly connects me to his philosophies. It describes a boatload of mariners singing a song whilst high. They go on to sing that life is smelly, to rough on their back, and their significant others and sons are getting old and don't even appreciate their hard work. They realize being high is the only way, because all they want is peace. Me too.

Welp, I just got back from Wal-Mart and my credit card was declined...FUCKING AGAIN. I swear to God that I am going to kill the bank of america woman and kill her grandmother. This was not my fault. So I am sure Laura is pissed that she had to cover the bill again. I will pay her tomorrow though so all is not lost, but it probly didn't help her grouch mood.

School starts soon, which is amazing but I don't want to see my crazy ex-hous

e mates around campus. It would be uncomfortable and they are psycho, so I have no idea what they would do if they saw me. I wanna wear Kelly's pants and write on them, "Kelly is a slut face", which all in all is inaccurate. She wanted to be, but it didn't work out. However, I mean it in the sense that she is a butt face but it is less

9 year mentality and moves right into the 14 year old mentality...only 7 years to catch up to! Whoo! You say Tomato and I say... Fuck you.

I know you can be busy, but seriously, I feel like I am doing everything with this apart

ment and everything I don't do I have to really push Laura to do. I miss living in a dorm complex thing and I miss the college life and the drinking slash partying. This is minorly real life. And real life...really sucks.

Let's watch some Bones and forget that this blows and hope that I have enough mula for the tattoo guy. Yikes.

Farting Failures.

I am nervous as all hell. I want to stop worrying about everything.

Why do we worry about anything? Is it from the fear of failure and judgement from our peers? Why is failing so bad? Does it disrupt some sort of pattern in our society if everything does not align together? When did we as a race become so ept to being an assembly line?

We are programmed at school that failure is bad. We are punished with poor grades, detentions, social stigma and so on. This system is designed to train us all to be happy little workers. To be trained to confirm, do what we are told and like it. If you are failing at something then you are learning. If you stop learning you might as well give up on life.

If I fail anything I keep it to myself, I don't want to engage in a pity party. If I need some tips on how to pass next time then I will ask for those instead.

For example, if you fail your exam you have learned about your weak areas. Better in the exam than on live network. You have learned that your hands on speed needs work. You have learned about stress and anxiety and that you need to learn some relaxation techniques; which is something i obviously need.The Japanese have a saying 'Fall down seven times, stand up eight.' If you keep going towards your goals then you are successful. If you quit then you are a failure.

The motto we should be holding for each other is farting failures. In that failing are like little farts that aren't smelly but are embarrassingly loud. Get over it and carry on with your life. It should be so much simpler to get over failure, but maybe this is not the case because we need the embarrassment of failing to have the enthusiasm to do better the next time? I hope not.

Are YOU happy?

I can't help thinking how absurdly worthless I am. What am I doing? What am I worth? I am a little bitch. If I wasn't such a pussy shit, I would annihilate my throat with some sort of computer cord. The problem is there is nothing after death. Nothing. No satisfaction, knowing that I did what would release me from my "insanity". I want nothing more, to be released. Just leave, never come back. Let me go, knowing that I have been successfully too much for you to handle, for anyone to handle. I am too scared to be by myself. I am so worthless, it is ridiculous. If I had created anything of worth I would die of shock and that would be good enough for anyone. I don't want a funeral, I don't want anything. If I had sort of means I would run. I would run away, at least that is the easiest sort of death. Kind of like the wind sweeping up the urban trash. It is kind of beautiful actually. Someone passing cringes at the crumpled buts of newspaper that once held so much possibility and entertainment the morning before. There are so many ways to commit suicide. Bleeding, drowning, suffocation, electrocution, firearms, vehicular impact, poisoning, jumping, drug overdose, pesticide overdose, carbon oxide poisoning, explosion, and let us not forget starvation and dehydration, which is one of my favorites. I want my whining to stop somehow, but for now I don't have the energy to think about it at all. Abandonment for now is all I can think about. As long as you are happy that is all that matters.

Let It Be.

His head was full of love, love, love. When Jesus Christ was nailed to his tree he said O' Daddio I can see how it also could be. He said I came to shed a little light on this startling scene, instead I fear I spilled the blood of my children all around. Searching for love, love, love, love. Father up above, why all this hatred do you fill me up with love, love, love.

I am so done with this. I can't stop thinking about how much I am done with this. I am constantly being used. That is all I am good for. I can"t think of anyone, but my parents, that spend time with me because they really want to. I feel so alone. It doesn't seem to make sense that I continue, but I do anyways, for my parents sake. That is all. I am sitting here wearing my friend's shirt, because it smells like him and it makes me feel less lonely, but still sad none the less.

Here I am once again, by myself. As long as I am here for someone else's use, then it is fine I guess. I feel like there is much worse, but the dilemma lies in that when no one has any use for me, where does that leave me; by myself? It makes me look at the rafters in my living room and wonder how cold I would be hanging from them, and would it be less cold than what I feel now. Or it makes me look outside while it pours and it makes me realize lying in the rain would make me look crazy but would it wash away all my tears and that is something I look forward to; because right now I don't have any way of doing that. I can wipe it on Sam's shirt but that would still be me, wiping my own tears. I am so afraid, of everything, but especially of myself. That is something that is hard to live with.

Fucking Broads Mannnn

I received a text from psycho yesterday. It is official. Kelly is unstable. I almost laughed out loud when I got her text about how even though she told me to "never fucking talk to her again" that some how I was at fault for moving out without telling her. Yikes. This going to sound terrible but the only thing I can compare her to at this point is a cold sore, some sort of viral infection that no one wants, that you try to get off at any cost, but it takes weeks to go away. You don't want it but sometimes it just plagues your life in the most unexpected and unacceptable way. I feel sorry for any guy attached to her. Especially when she, if she ever decides to have children, because her pregnancy mood swings are going to be pure institutional chaos.

This whole ordeal made me think about how I can not live with chicks. Chicks are crazy. They lie, cheat, and do anything to feel like they are better than another chick. It is very strange. Actually speaking of not living with chicks it erks me that my other house mate told me that she still wants to be friends and still wanted to live with me next year but couldn't admit that to Kelly because it would ruin their relationship...that doesn't make sense for multiple reasons: 1.) being that what kind of friendship would be ruined by admitting how you actually feel to each other no matter what it is, the only reason to not be honest is fear, fear of a psychotic girl? maybe. 2.) being that if there was a reason that Kelly was upset with me, there could be an excuse to not want to bring up anything to do with the subject, but when some as crazy as she is just randomly lashes out on whatever is moving then why would you want to be friends with that. 3.) being how could I eve understand that you want to be friends with me but you admit that you cannot stand up for me when you admitted she was in the wrong? Like I said man, chicks.

For now I am going to bed because there is no way I can reason with someone who is has multiple personalities and can never take responsibility for their own life. If being a fucking institutionalized broad to whoever you can dig up some pathetic excuse to be mad at, then there is no point in arguing and there is certainly no point in trying to talk to someone like that.

I want to be on the beach. In the sun. Not here. But for now...I will survive with just a little sun.