I read for a few hours today at Starry Nights and drank coffee like I was drinking water in the desert. The combination of the caffeine and the characters in my Ayn Rand book made me hyper and very smiley. Although it helps to have a great happy day when the day before was such shit. The day before the characters frustrated me to the point where I would snap at people. It is interesting how emotionally invested I get when I read novels like Rands'. I almost cried at Starry Nights today when Rearden deeply insulted the women that is his other half, telling her she would never be anything but a whore to him. Maybe it was cause it was out of the blue but I think it was because I feel like when a character does that, they are talking to me. In any case being so invested in a book is better than being high. The clarity of the world and of the importance if the problems you thought you had disintegrate like vapor. I left the cafe and the stars were out and instead of watching where I step through the uneven snowy sidewalks, I was looking at their grandness and the grandeur of the buildings that have been there forever but this clarity gave me a reminder of love I have for them. Not only do I appreciate everything better, but I have love for everything and everyone. I just want to kiss everyone in sight. I want to hug every stranger, books warm my heart and give me such a natural high, it is almost ridiculous. Which is why I will never be able to understand why people don't like books or to read.

Tomorrow I leave for Potsdam with Gerlinde and Sammy doos. I think the reason I love Gerlinde so much, or one of the many reason is that she will tell people what she thinks. I have an undying respect for people that do that. I hate when someone has a problem with another person and instead of carefully explaining to them what it is, they avoid the whole situation. However they don't forget it, they hold on to it and I do not have patience for those people. I am not saying I have that problem now, but it is something I have learned to be a virtue among my friends if they have it. It seems like such a waste of time to keep some huge agitation on your own shoulders. A waste of life and energy.

I am so excited for Jacks and Kell move in. :)

Old Bitch Warrior

Night Drive by all american is heading up the competition for my boarding playlist. I am so hung over right now. I feel like i want o puke up my stomach and intestines. New Years! It is so lucky that my sister is also my best friend. I love going out and in the middle of weaving through endless bar crowds, suddenly people part, just in time for you to drop your jaw and realize that a good friend of your that you never expected to see out that night is right in front of you. Of course that is when you both topple over after tripping on each other in a big drunken hug. Yikes. There is this moving night club in Praguecalled the Tramix and it is a train type street car with 3 bars and it just roams around with music blasting! Its like this bad ass shoulder radio. There is no better way to get pumped about going out and partying the night away. I wish we had somethign like that in Rochester.

I am home from school and I feel so mellow, and I hope this does not sound too ridiculous, but I don't have to worry about anything right now. Which feels insane. I don't have to pay for housing, food, school, no work to do. I can do whatever I want. It is amazing. I just wanna lounge and read Ayn Rand and do nothing with my time. Bar hopping at night and snowboarding and Starbucks during the day. this is what i would do if

I won the lottery. It could also be the fact that I don't have my phone right now... big surprise. However, the better side of this carelessness is that I can not be reached. It is less to worry about in a way, so I haven't completely decided if it is a good thing or not, I am going with not.

I feel kind of left though. It seems like everyone is leaving and it is not that I am lonely as much as disheveled. I like continuity when it comes to relationships and having people in and out of your life feels wrong. I mean when your friend comes to visit or your family member it is great, but when it is 5 of your closest friends and some other people running in and out, its disheartening. Maybe it is lately I keep meaning

well but when I try to fix things I make bad decisions. Very stupid decisions and in the end I am completely unreliable. I will wander off thinking it is an excellent idea and then I will be lost and wonder why everyone left me. Stupid decisions. I miss not doing anything and never feeling like this, but I am positive I always have, which makes my missing pointless and stupid. Stupid decisions.

Can you keep yourself from doing the same thing you promised you would never do, but at the same time you know your the same person? Maybe you haven't reached that point, the point when the person you are judging them is at. It is hard to admit that you are not as experienced as someone else, which is why an age is such an issue. I am not sure why, maybe it is because if you are not as old as someone else it is automatically assumed that you do not know as much as that person which makes you stupid in comparison? That's stupid in itself. This causes separation and is a part of our generations increasing selfishness, that we learned from the irresponsible nature of our parents decade. Stupid decisions.

"My mother was of the sky, my father was of the earth, but I am of the universe and you know what its worth, I am lonely. Wanna die. If I am dead already girl you know the reason why." The Stones :)

The other day a good friend of mine comes upstairs to lounge and admits that a girl that I thought was chill, is not coming because my old room mate and people I used to hang out with all the time, tells everyone asking, that I give off bad vibes. Bad Vibes: meaning all uncomfortable, uneasy, unsafe feelings. Bad vibes were those cautious "stay away, don't do it, don't trust it, watch out, be careful, keep on your toes" instincts that alerted us that something was not okay. Of course this was blurted out to me, I could have cared less that some chick I barely knew was coming to chill. However, it made me think. I think almost every person thinks I am sketchy or that I give off bad vibes. At first I was offended and I still am. These certainly were not people who should be talking about me, since that was why I stopped hanging out with them. Not to mention they kept asking me to come down and hang out and that the very person I don't wanna see, they hate. "Fuck Mike," they say, "dude, Jolene, everyone hates him." Since they hang out with him every day still, I am gonna go with that is pretty sketchy, hence my non-participation. But maybe they have a point.

Maybe I seem sketchy. I don't mean to be. I tell the truth about anyone. I will tell someone I don't like them, but will say it with a smile on my face and maybe that is just it. I don't mind being honest, but I am not trying to start physical fights. In fact I am not trying to start a fight at all, but when I feel strongly about a person I am not going to hang around and let them keep screwing me over. Especially if they make me uncomfortable. That's true with everyone though. It hardly makes me the psychotic one. I have a mind of my own, how outrageous, will someone PLEASE alert the church elders!?

The interesting thought process this led me to, was that these people love drama. Any drama. Which made me laugh eventually. They had nothing to really say about me. Which is surprising, all people can do it focus all their energy on making up anything to cause drama. I have bad vibes? hahaha sheesh. Sounds like it.

It's pretty pathetic.

I am at school. School sucks. It isn't the place, it mostly isn't the people, it's the fact that I am trapped, yes trapped, somewhere where I have no motivation to complete what I am supposed to be completing. Sheesh. As Gerlinde puts it, sleeping is the best part of the day and even then it kind of sucks because you have to eventually wake up.

My dreams are more so related to the outside world and imagining that I am not here, in such a manipulative, meaningless place, where life barely exists. Instead materialistic and egocentric beings have taken the place of people I once would have loved to be with. Such as individuals whose motivation is based on exploring other states of consciousness which leads to them not caring whether or not anything happens with anyone or anything; this may show how chill they are and this personality trait, which is actually drug induced, may intise stupid sheep, like me, to want to hang out with them; however do not be FOOLED people! This guy this tiny excuse for a person isn't exploring and he certainly isn't learning and even though he claims to want what is best for the world and everyone in, such as "world peace" or whatever he is more interested in being listened to. That is the most important thing to him. When it gets to the point where you don't want to listen to anyone and consider any one's point of view, there is a problem. Sure he can hide behind weed for a while, an excuse for his countless surgeries, but without that excuse what does he have? Classes? nope, he dropped almost all of them. So he has one class every day, what does he do in his spare time? Who knows. Does it matter? His life is whithering away. He complains about living here yet he refuses to embrace it, instead he constantly reminisces about life in the big bad city. Yes, I understand that you come from a highly populated city, thank you for constantly reminding me. So what are you doing here? You don't know what you want, but you know you don't like it here. Drop out dude. Do something. I hate school, I do but I have to complete it to go into the peace core and escape this crazy world where life is disposable. My life is disposable but maybe somewhere in the world I can find a meaning for it. But you. You're disposable in an entirely different way, in that you are dead already and you think that makes you smart. whoops.

So I live with a clean perfectionist. Clean clean clean, alll the time. Sure I clean up after myself and sure I clean up after her (ironic.) and that's fine, but don't lecture me because you like to run the dish washer a couple thousand times a week. Maybe you shouldn't waste water, maybe you should cry about how the world is going to end if there is a crumb hanging out on the stove, or MAYBE you should stop bitching and clean that fucking crumb yourself because you are the one psycho afraid of it. Go ahead. Do it. Embrace the crumb.

I thought I was going crazy because I saw this other side of a person that he showed only to me. (I am SO lucky!) Everyone saw the happy fun loving, cool side of him, while I was stuck with the crazy protective and a little psychotic side of him. I got to see the fun loving side but only around other people. I suddenly realized that he blames me for everything that goes wrong in HIS life. As if I am suddenly volunteering to be his symbol of his personal hell. Well, I figured maybeeeee I will not be caught with him by myself. Of course he also tells everyone that I am ruining his life. EEK. No idea why. Slightly psychotic. Why is my life surrounded me psychos???? Am I nonchalantly a psycho too? Maybe. Everyone is at heart, but I have an magnetic appeal to people with problems. To show how true that is, is proof from which I have never (NOT ONCE) had a room mate for more than two months in the past three years. *sigh* oh goodness.

Pink in Boston

I am in Boston, so this will be a somewhat shorter response to life than it has been in the past, regretfully. Carolyn and I are having a fantastic time, however I obviously have a problem I am addicted to shopping and I bought a BU tee shirt and I now realize that was a retarded idea. I really need to start taking more responsibility for things such as that. For most things in life I deal with in the best way for me and for whoever is sucked into the sucky situation or instance. But now I have no real money for the train and I am kind of fucked. Not to mention Carolyn is kind of forced into a situation of having to pay for me in every instance, which is crappy and I feel retarded.I really need to send her monies for verything she payed for, which hopefully my pee brain can remember.
I really want to paint my tosies or pigs, as Carolyn refers to them.
I am not obsessed with the show Lost and I am exstatic that I am just within the first and second season and their episodes, because this way I have so many to go through and I can be happy watching them all this summer and the rest of the year.
Laura is living at home for the summer and I am psyched. I cannot wait to chill with her, since she is my only friend in some cases.

I am going sky diving and that in itself is fabulous.

Love Bites.

Of course I knew that I liked him and then that slowly turned to love, which is a first for a very very long time. But now everything is different, I am in love with him, I would do anything. Tell me to go here, tell me to go there, and I would. That comedian always said that if you catch your woman looking at you it is because she is thinking about how did she get stuck with such and ugly boyfriend. I think about this alot when I look at my boyfriend now, because when I look at him it is like everything is right and how beautiful he is, but most of all I think about how lucky I am to have founs who I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.

When I really start to care about someone, in the most serious way, I have a tendency to think about what it would be like if that person died and when I think about him dying, I feel like I died right then, just a little bit. Have you ever felt like you died inside, even just in the slightest? It is like desperation surrounds your thoughts in a fog of uncertainty of what you would do in the realization that you now do not mind letting go to everything else.

I could not really think about how it would feel like, 'It's a Wonderful Life' explains alot, I mean even though it is completely biast in the promotion of christianity and christmas, I have to say Mr. Potter, reminds me of alot of people I really dislike, Crystal (pullings, the other one does not matter, everyone knows that :) ), Rona, and Alex. Only one aspect within his characterization within the movie describs these girls, which is ironic since Mr. Potter was is an old man. The part where Potter delibritaely hide the 5000$ from George Baily and his Uncle, to get what he has always wanted. It was one od the most coniving things I have ever seen. Mostly because he did not do it to make himself necessarily happy, he did it to win, and in affect the unhappiness of many would then be known.

Crystal, who does not actually bother me anymore, she is more of a lesson of what kind of person I dont want to be or hang around. Being friends for more than a few years, we liked each other right away, we were both obnoxious in the cute sense, of course, and we were constaly happy to make each other laugh at any cost. It helped that we were in the same classes and that we felt like we only had each other. Over the next few years we both tried to find who we wanted to hang around, I introduced her to the people I thought I wanted to be around and she did the same. I always knew she would do alot to be liked, but who wouldn't, however i thought this in a severly minimal sense, nothing to the lengths of throwing away someone and never looking back. Another Best friend of mine at the time was having trouble letting go of the same people Crystal was beginning to hang out with, the people I introduced her to. They actually tried to cut My best friend of from me, by telling me to never call her and to ignore her in school. Can you imagine anything so cruel. All so I could feel more of an in with them. It was not worth it to do that to someone I sooned learned, she completely died inside. I immediately learned my lesson and ceased hanging around such horrifying isolated influences. Crystal, however, decided, these were the people, these were the ones she would lose her virginity too, little did she decide to see was that they had no intrest in her and simply fed on drama, fun, and something to do or talk about, Crystal, growning up without any real freedoms, did not give that to them in any lengths. However Crystal, my best friend, and I, still hung out the most out of any one else. She was fun and funny to talk to because she was so awkward in so many social aspects. However as soon as her slight encounter and new found friend, Alex started to spread rumors (big shock huh?) about me in order to feel better about getting back with the guy who betrayed her, this group of people who Crystal adored fed on it, they could not believe that someone would do all of the things Alex said I did. Neither could I when some people in school told me what I had done. This was her in, this is where she could get in, they told her to do exactly what they told me to do with my best friend, but the fine line between us is that she actually did. She told me that she could not believe I did those things, believeing Alex over me, not even hearing me out. She even used my phone to talk to Alex and to console her, I let her never believeing she would go ahead and do what she did. She finally told me that we were never actually friends, that we barely ever talked. She used me and it completely worked, she got what she always wanted by betraying me, she and them would talk aout me, and she had the best year of her life while trying to turn even my best friends against me, even my best friends. As if it suddenly became O.K. to turn everyone against one person, to make them believe rumors that were never true, to make them feel like they had no one. She was the ultimate Mr. Potter.

Sometimes I hate people.

I am listening to Cranberries, No Need to Argue, which is my favorite, it is so perfect with what I think the them of this blogg is, which is giving up or dying inside. Giving up, if it is your own life you throw out or your friends, either way you have to ask yourself, why you do it... and if that is good enough.

Bitter Instigator Fighting with Passion

Iam tired. I am so tired. Mostly iam physically tired because of all the over exserting I am have been trying to accomplish before going back to school on the fourth. I am in bed thinking about how absolutely tired Iam, trying to sleep off this beautiful day by going on the computer and I thought I saw an update of Rona on my mini feed on facebook... i was going to flip a suprised fit. I just cut my hair and I thought I saw a quick pic of her hair in almost the same way.. serious shit flipped. However it was just Anna, I guess someone i do not know.. haha my bad.

This got me thinking of all of the people are fucked up and who had nothing better to do in their misery but to fuck up my life, or to be completely coniving, because i threatened whatever they held to be important. Something funny about Rona was that I knew the back stabbing she did was unruthless, she lied to me telling me it was for mine and marshall's own good, and that everything she did she did because she was hurt and did not want to see mee get hurt either. HA! It easily was revealed that she lied and kept lying to everyone, telling them that she was the victem of a horrible crime, but in reality she wanted everything centered around her and her cruel tricks.

Unfortunately for me and Marshall all his friends and her friends believed her to bet he victem and her lies about ever having a relationship with him and that I had done all of these things to her, which were completely untrue... It was not untill recently that some of her friends re thought her horrible cruela de vill attitude, so friends denounced her on her stealing from them and some of them denounced her because she threatened their girlfriends from lack of attention? and such. The really attached friends are girls who either do not want to see the assfuck messed up girl she is or she is a girl who searches to hate someone and knows if she lets go of her one true friend then she won't have any one else.

Moral of Story: Cruelty, like any other vice, requires no motivation just oppotunity and it shakes hands with fear.

Unfortunately for me I am a bitter instigator with flares of passion and I do not forget unless someone gives me a reason to.