Flying footballs and Dreaming of Amnesia: :)

I am so dramatic although I attempt, very poorly I need to add, to not be. I was in the Thousand Islands this past week with gerlinde and Claudine of course. It was awful at first mostly because everyone was grumpy, I am still not sure why, maybe because 2/3rds of us were riding the crimson wave, if you know what I mean. There was no sun for most of the time, especially if were out trying to do river activities, like tubing. We did eventually tube and I almost died, if I was not wearing a life jacket i would have been in trouble. Basically Rach and I ripped off the covering where the handels lie on the tube and flew off, I skidded on the watter like a skipping stone with my head, got reflipped in the air and then the water rushed to pull me under. I could not, with all of my might figure out where to pull my self up to. Finally after my arms became tired of clawing the water, my life jacket floated me to the top. It sucked....almost. :)

Since I was like eleveni decided I was going to marry Colin Farrell and it still seems like an excellent idea. But all I really want to do is to switch my boyfriends personality into Colin Farrells body. I love my love bug but sometimes I want diferent things. OK, I ALWAYS want different things.

Like yesterday afternoon when me and James were driving home and we were finally having an excellent day, laughing, hugging, kissing,....straight up loving each other, something crossing my path and shocks the shit out of me in the form of a football.

I saw someone standing in the middle of the street and I was thinking to myself, "what a jerk, get the fuck out of the road you idiot." He was wearing what any douche bag would wear, long (too long) basketball shorts and an oversized green shirt. he must have just woken up. Then as if out of no where a football flies out in front of the car to this douche, which was to say the least a bit suprising since I thought he was just crossing the street.

Then there he was.

I thought he was still in Turkey or egypt or whatever and that was perfect cause it made it almost impossible for me to see him. Its not like I am in love with him but it makes me a bit emotional when I see him when I least expect it. It kind of brings back all of the stupid embaressment of how things ended. I only completely obsessed over him for like a month. I actually had to delete his number out of my phone so I would not txt him. Lame. I know. But there he WAS. I had dark avaitors and a stunned face on and he didnt recognize me in the car, I dont think. Sometimes I wish he had, I want him to think about me so I wouldnt feel so embaressed for doing the same.

My current James is the best guy I have been with, maybe it is because he loves me soooo much. I thought I loved him but I dont know anymore. At least not in the way he wants me too. I love him as a friend and I keep telling my self thats what I need for the basis of me to love him for....real. I really want to be where he is. Where I would do anything for him and think of each other as the only ones in the world. I WOULD do anything for him but I would also die for people I hate, only because Iam passionate not because I think they are the ones for me or whatever.

I think it is better for someone who wants my life more to take it, I have never really wanted it, not because Iam all depressed, but because I dont care about it and I am so tired of everything and if someone REALLY wants life where people are ridiculous over silly things then THEY can have it. Like this, this stuff Iam OBSESSING over, I HATE IT! I want it to not be a problem in my mind, to just... forget. Thats what I need amnesia, every couple years. ha.