Love Bites.

Of course I knew that I liked him and then that slowly turned to love, which is a first for a very very long time. But now everything is different, I am in love with him, I would do anything. Tell me to go here, tell me to go there, and I would. That comedian always said that if you catch your woman looking at you it is because she is thinking about how did she get stuck with such and ugly boyfriend. I think about this alot when I look at my boyfriend now, because when I look at him it is like everything is right and how beautiful he is, but most of all I think about how lucky I am to have founs who I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.

When I really start to care about someone, in the most serious way, I have a tendency to think about what it would be like if that person died and when I think about him dying, I feel like I died right then, just a little bit. Have you ever felt like you died inside, even just in the slightest? It is like desperation surrounds your thoughts in a fog of uncertainty of what you would do in the realization that you now do not mind letting go to everything else.

I could not really think about how it would feel like, 'It's a Wonderful Life' explains alot, I mean even though it is completely biast in the promotion of christianity and christmas, I have to say Mr. Potter, reminds me of alot of people I really dislike, Crystal (pullings, the other one does not matter, everyone knows that :) ), Rona, and Alex. Only one aspect within his characterization within the movie describs these girls, which is ironic since Mr. Potter was is an old man. The part where Potter delibritaely hide the 5000$ from George Baily and his Uncle, to get what he has always wanted. It was one od the most coniving things I have ever seen. Mostly because he did not do it to make himself necessarily happy, he did it to win, and in affect the unhappiness of many would then be known.

Crystal, who does not actually bother me anymore, she is more of a lesson of what kind of person I dont want to be or hang around. Being friends for more than a few years, we liked each other right away, we were both obnoxious in the cute sense, of course, and we were constaly happy to make each other laugh at any cost. It helped that we were in the same classes and that we felt like we only had each other. Over the next few years we both tried to find who we wanted to hang around, I introduced her to the people I thought I wanted to be around and she did the same. I always knew she would do alot to be liked, but who wouldn't, however i thought this in a severly minimal sense, nothing to the lengths of throwing away someone and never looking back. Another Best friend of mine at the time was having trouble letting go of the same people Crystal was beginning to hang out with, the people I introduced her to. They actually tried to cut My best friend of from me, by telling me to never call her and to ignore her in school. Can you imagine anything so cruel. All so I could feel more of an in with them. It was not worth it to do that to someone I sooned learned, she completely died inside. I immediately learned my lesson and ceased hanging around such horrifying isolated influences. Crystal, however, decided, these were the people, these were the ones she would lose her virginity too, little did she decide to see was that they had no intrest in her and simply fed on drama, fun, and something to do or talk about, Crystal, growning up without any real freedoms, did not give that to them in any lengths. However Crystal, my best friend, and I, still hung out the most out of any one else. She was fun and funny to talk to because she was so awkward in so many social aspects. However as soon as her slight encounter and new found friend, Alex started to spread rumors (big shock huh?) about me in order to feel better about getting back with the guy who betrayed her, this group of people who Crystal adored fed on it, they could not believe that someone would do all of the things Alex said I did. Neither could I when some people in school told me what I had done. This was her in, this is where she could get in, they told her to do exactly what they told me to do with my best friend, but the fine line between us is that she actually did. She told me that she could not believe I did those things, believeing Alex over me, not even hearing me out. She even used my phone to talk to Alex and to console her, I let her never believeing she would go ahead and do what she did. She finally told me that we were never actually friends, that we barely ever talked. She used me and it completely worked, she got what she always wanted by betraying me, she and them would talk aout me, and she had the best year of her life while trying to turn even my best friends against me, even my best friends. As if it suddenly became O.K. to turn everyone against one person, to make them believe rumors that were never true, to make them feel like they had no one. She was the ultimate Mr. Potter.

Sometimes I hate people.

I am listening to Cranberries, No Need to Argue, which is my favorite, it is so perfect with what I think the them of this blogg is, which is giving up or dying inside. Giving up, if it is your own life you throw out or your friends, either way you have to ask yourself, why you do it... and if that is good enough.

Bitter Instigator Fighting with Passion

Iam tired. I am so tired. Mostly iam physically tired because of all the over exserting I am have been trying to accomplish before going back to school on the fourth. I am in bed thinking about how absolutely tired Iam, trying to sleep off this beautiful day by going on the computer and I thought I saw an update of Rona on my mini feed on facebook... i was going to flip a suprised fit. I just cut my hair and I thought I saw a quick pic of her hair in almost the same way.. serious shit flipped. However it was just Anna, I guess someone i do not know.. haha my bad.

This got me thinking of all of the people are fucked up and who had nothing better to do in their misery but to fuck up my life, or to be completely coniving, because i threatened whatever they held to be important. Something funny about Rona was that I knew the back stabbing she did was unruthless, she lied to me telling me it was for mine and marshall's own good, and that everything she did she did because she was hurt and did not want to see mee get hurt either. HA! It easily was revealed that she lied and kept lying to everyone, telling them that she was the victem of a horrible crime, but in reality she wanted everything centered around her and her cruel tricks.

Unfortunately for me and Marshall all his friends and her friends believed her to bet he victem and her lies about ever having a relationship with him and that I had done all of these things to her, which were completely untrue... It was not untill recently that some of her friends re thought her horrible cruela de vill attitude, so friends denounced her on her stealing from them and some of them denounced her because she threatened their girlfriends from lack of attention? and such. The really attached friends are girls who either do not want to see the assfuck messed up girl she is or she is a girl who searches to hate someone and knows if she lets go of her one true friend then she won't have any one else.

Moral of Story: Cruelty, like any other vice, requires no motivation just oppotunity and it shakes hands with fear.

Unfortunately for me I am a bitter instigator with flares of passion and I do not forget unless someone gives me a reason to.

Dinos go to Cheesecake Factorys.

I have a UTI, well I dont KNOWWWW but I am pretty sure, it felt like I had to pee all the time yesterday, it was awful. It was painful but imagine having to pee REALLY bad all the time and even when you go pee, you still have the same feeling. It is so frustrating.

The song of the day is Bucky Done Gone by M.I.A.

She is so bad ass. A hybrid of Indian, British, south american, and miami trash awesomeness. You listen to her and become restored.

Another song that every person that feels down, is the sunscreen song.

I am in love with Nick for giving it to me one day. I heard it in '97 when it came out and then about 11 years later when he gave it to me, it was a huge balst from the past. And it definitely made me feel better. He just "dispences" his advice about your future and how you might want to consider living your life and it s amaazingggg. I heart and so will every girl. Listen to it alone and take it somewhat seriously and you will feel like I did, enlightened and LIGHTENEd up.

"Dont worry about the future, or know that worrying is about as useful as solving an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum."

"Get to know your parents, you never know when they will be gone for good."

"Live in New York City once but leave before it makes you hard, Live in Northern California once but leave before it makes you soft."

"Accept some inaliable truths, prices will rise, politicians will falander, you too will get old and when you do, you will fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected your elders."

Last night me and the gang, especially BEN...:) went to The Cheesecake Factory for 1.50 cheesecake, it was awesome... I got Keylime and a chai latte. Totally worth it. I was completely FULL! I mean although I am one of those peoples that eats 2 bites of their food and then become full....it doesent matter that cheesecake was HUGE. A dinosaur couldnt finish it.. ok maybe a dinosaur.

I would like to switch my dessert please.

I just realized that I like tasting a little bit of everything that is why I hold onto things physically for so little time. Even if something is right in front of me that I will love for a very long time and I know its good for me, I will let it go to find something more or rather new. The chance of tasting something else is more appealing than ordering the same thing that I know I will love.

Lame.

I used to think that everyone compulsively will switch songs, it was just a thing everyone does...but I never realized untill now that I did it to see what was next because I might enjoy it more.

Lame.

I have to force myself not to change a song or.... a relationship.

Lame. Lame. Lame.

Flying footballs and Dreaming of Amnesia: :)

I am so dramatic although I attempt, very poorly I need to add, to not be. I was in the Thousand Islands this past week with gerlinde and Claudine of course. It was awful at first mostly because everyone was grumpy, I am still not sure why, maybe because 2/3rds of us were riding the crimson wave, if you know what I mean. There was no sun for most of the time, especially if were out trying to do river activities, like tubing. We did eventually tube and I almost died, if I was not wearing a life jacket i would have been in trouble. Basically Rach and I ripped off the covering where the handels lie on the tube and flew off, I skidded on the watter like a skipping stone with my head, got reflipped in the air and then the water rushed to pull me under. I could not, with all of my might figure out where to pull my self up to. Finally after my arms became tired of clawing the water, my life jacket floated me to the top. It sucked....almost. :)

Since I was like eleveni decided I was going to marry Colin Farrell and it still seems like an excellent idea. But all I really want to do is to switch my boyfriends personality into Colin Farrells body. I love my love bug but sometimes I want diferent things. OK, I ALWAYS want different things.

Like yesterday afternoon when me and James were driving home and we were finally having an excellent day, laughing, hugging, kissing,....straight up loving each other, something crossing my path and shocks the shit out of me in the form of a football.

I saw someone standing in the middle of the street and I was thinking to myself, "what a jerk, get the fuck out of the road you idiot." He was wearing what any douche bag would wear, long (too long) basketball shorts and an oversized green shirt. he must have just woken up. Then as if out of no where a football flies out in front of the car to this douche, which was to say the least a bit suprising since I thought he was just crossing the street.

Then there he was.

I thought he was still in Turkey or egypt or whatever and that was perfect cause it made it almost impossible for me to see him. Its not like I am in love with him but it makes me a bit emotional when I see him when I least expect it. It kind of brings back all of the stupid embaressment of how things ended. I only completely obsessed over him for like a month. I actually had to delete his number out of my phone so I would not txt him. Lame. I know. But there he WAS. I had dark avaitors and a stunned face on and he didnt recognize me in the car, I dont think. Sometimes I wish he had, I want him to think about me so I wouldnt feel so embaressed for doing the same.

My current James is the best guy I have been with, maybe it is because he loves me soooo much. I thought I loved him but I dont know anymore. At least not in the way he wants me too. I love him as a friend and I keep telling my self thats what I need for the basis of me to love him for....real. I really want to be where he is. Where I would do anything for him and think of each other as the only ones in the world. I WOULD do anything for him but I would also die for people I hate, only because Iam passionate not because I think they are the ones for me or whatever.

I think it is better for someone who wants my life more to take it, I have never really wanted it, not because Iam all depressed, but because I dont care about it and I am so tired of everything and if someone REALLY wants life where people are ridiculous over silly things then THEY can have it. Like this, this stuff Iam OBSESSING over, I HATE IT! I want it to not be a problem in my mind, to just... forget. Thats what I need amnesia, every couple years. ha.

Noisy Boys and Panties.

I love nappy Roots they make my life better. I just come in throw my bag down on the bed, take off my pants and turn on da rooottttssss. aww much better. I have problems making up my mind, always. Mostly with relationships and I dont mean just boys. But in this case... its the noisy boys. Rinaldo* is coming back soon maybe even back and we were so good together that I cant let go of him. I messed things up from being so jealous and lame but I just cant LET GO of the memories mostly, as tragic as that sounds. I even had to delete his number so I wouldnt call him or txt him...thats when you know your insane. :( Iam so tragic and passionate its ridiculous...LAAAMMMEEE.

Now finally Iam in a relationship were I feel secure but trapped. We are the same person and we are just perfectly smushed together like delicious tiramisu and whipped cream, naturally together. But i dont want that, at least I dont think I do. mean come onnnn i have come such a long way, sticking to one guy, being lyal, not completely insane, and open. Like I actually tell him straight up whats on my mind. Which should be one part of a relationship, being comfortable enough to do that shit. But the second part is hurtful, to him. I want more. More conflict, more ridiculousness, I wanted best friends before and after, not just a BOYYYFFRRIIENNDDD. In fact I dont even know that I want a boyfriend. I have way more fun with Gerlinde and Claudine...minus sex obviously, but at the smae time I dont want to hurt HIM.

Different days different feelings about what I want. ha.

I want something untill I have it. I have always been that person when it comes to guys. Gerlinde can def back me up on that one. especially if i want him, then he gives in then I reject him then I will go after him again to see how many times he will come back. Not completely consiously, I just want him again but when I look back at it, its because its a challenge. A lame way to live life.

I had work today and i got let GO early! whoo. since I worked 14 hours yesterday, it was bliss.

People are pretty uptight and intense. Even the most laid back, chillest peeps get their panties in a hell of a twist. Its just a theory but ifI didnt care who Iwas with, I f I in fact was notwith someone specifiacally then I dont think life would be as intense, and it sjust another theory but if I fell that way maybe I should get out? How do you know when you should get out?

Shake Your HIPS.

Ok I somehow decided to work till 2 last night, runnning around waiting on people's stupid bottoms and some people's cute bottoms and then go and do a double shift this morning, from 10 to 2 again... WHAT THE FUCK WAS i THINKING. Thank goooddd my boss let me go half and hour early so i could shower, eat and then apparently write this...:) but in any case it was ridiculous and I cant even imagine going to work...

The gay pride parade is now thumping down the street with its amazing techno, but my theory of the day is that instead of working you get a big float but lots of sequins and sparkely junk on it take of you shirt to show your amazing abs from working out for 3 straight months just fo this occasion, swing it about throw it into the crowd and shake your hips because that is much better than working your self into the ground and taking double shifts...