I am at school. School sucks. It isn't the place, it mostly isn't the people, it's the fact that I am trapped, yes trapped, somewhere where I have no motivation to complete what I am supposed to be completing. Sheesh. As Gerlinde puts it, sleeping is the best part of the day and even then it kind of sucks because you have to eventually wake up.

My dreams are more so related to the outside world and imagining that I am not here, in such a manipulative, meaningless place, where life barely exists. Instead materialistic and egocentric beings have taken the place of people I once would have loved to be with. Such as individuals whose motivation is based on exploring other states of consciousness which leads to them not caring whether or not anything happens with anyone or anything; this may show how chill they are and this personality trait, which is actually drug induced, may intise stupid sheep, like me, to want to hang out with them; however do not be FOOLED people! This guy this tiny excuse for a person isn't exploring and he certainly isn't learning and even though he claims to want what is best for the world and everyone in, such as "world peace" or whatever he is more interested in being listened to. That is the most important thing to him. When it gets to the point where you don't want to listen to anyone and consider any one's point of view, there is a problem. Sure he can hide behind weed for a while, an excuse for his countless surgeries, but without that excuse what does he have? Classes? nope, he dropped almost all of them. So he has one class every day, what does he do in his spare time? Who knows. Does it matter? His life is whithering away. He complains about living here yet he refuses to embrace it, instead he constantly reminisces about life in the big bad city. Yes, I understand that you come from a highly populated city, thank you for constantly reminding me. So what are you doing here? You don't know what you want, but you know you don't like it here. Drop out dude. Do something. I hate school, I do but I have to complete it to go into the peace core and escape this crazy world where life is disposable. My life is disposable but maybe somewhere in the world I can find a meaning for it. But you. You're disposable in an entirely different way, in that you are dead already and you think that makes you smart. whoops.

So I live with a clean perfectionist. Clean clean clean, alll the time. Sure I clean up after myself and sure I clean up after her (ironic.) and that's fine, but don't lecture me because you like to run the dish washer a couple thousand times a week. Maybe you shouldn't waste water, maybe you should cry about how the world is going to end if there is a crumb hanging out on the stove, or MAYBE you should stop bitching and clean that fucking crumb yourself because you are the one psycho afraid of it. Go ahead. Do it. Embrace the crumb.

I thought I was going crazy because I saw this other side of a person that he showed only to me. (I am SO lucky!) Everyone saw the happy fun loving, cool side of him, while I was stuck with the crazy protective and a little psychotic side of him. I got to see the fun loving side but only around other people. I suddenly realized that he blames me for everything that goes wrong in HIS life. As if I am suddenly volunteering to be his symbol of his personal hell. Well, I figured maybeeeee I will not be caught with him by myself. Of course he also tells everyone that I am ruining his life. EEK. No idea why. Slightly psychotic. Why is my life surrounded me psychos???? Am I nonchalantly a psycho too? Maybe. Everyone is at heart, but I have an magnetic appeal to people with problems. To show how true that is, is proof from which I have never (NOT ONCE) had a room mate for more than two months in the past three years. *sigh* oh goodness.

Pink in Boston

I am in Boston, so this will be a somewhat shorter response to life than it has been in the past, regretfully. Carolyn and I are having a fantastic time, however I obviously have a problem I am addicted to shopping and I bought a BU tee shirt and I now realize that was a retarded idea. I really need to start taking more responsibility for things such as that. For most things in life I deal with in the best way for me and for whoever is sucked into the sucky situation or instance. But now I have no real money for the train and I am kind of fucked. Not to mention Carolyn is kind of forced into a situation of having to pay for me in every instance, which is crappy and I feel retarded.I really need to send her monies for verything she payed for, which hopefully my pee brain can remember.
I really want to paint my tosies or pigs, as Carolyn refers to them.
I am not obsessed with the show Lost and I am exstatic that I am just within the first and second season and their episodes, because this way I have so many to go through and I can be happy watching them all this summer and the rest of the year.
Laura is living at home for the summer and I am psyched. I cannot wait to chill with her, since she is my only friend in some cases.

I am going sky diving and that in itself is fabulous.

Love Bites.

Of course I knew that I liked him and then that slowly turned to love, which is a first for a very very long time. But now everything is different, I am in love with him, I would do anything. Tell me to go here, tell me to go there, and I would. That comedian always said that if you catch your woman looking at you it is because she is thinking about how did she get stuck with such and ugly boyfriend. I think about this alot when I look at my boyfriend now, because when I look at him it is like everything is right and how beautiful he is, but most of all I think about how lucky I am to have founs who I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.

When I really start to care about someone, in the most serious way, I have a tendency to think about what it would be like if that person died and when I think about him dying, I feel like I died right then, just a little bit. Have you ever felt like you died inside, even just in the slightest? It is like desperation surrounds your thoughts in a fog of uncertainty of what you would do in the realization that you now do not mind letting go to everything else.

I could not really think about how it would feel like, 'It's a Wonderful Life' explains alot, I mean even though it is completely biast in the promotion of christianity and christmas, I have to say Mr. Potter, reminds me of alot of people I really dislike, Crystal (pullings, the other one does not matter, everyone knows that :) ), Rona, and Alex. Only one aspect within his characterization within the movie describs these girls, which is ironic since Mr. Potter was is an old man. The part where Potter delibritaely hide the 5000$ from George Baily and his Uncle, to get what he has always wanted. It was one od the most coniving things I have ever seen. Mostly because he did not do it to make himself necessarily happy, he did it to win, and in affect the unhappiness of many would then be known.

Crystal, who does not actually bother me anymore, she is more of a lesson of what kind of person I dont want to be or hang around. Being friends for more than a few years, we liked each other right away, we were both obnoxious in the cute sense, of course, and we were constaly happy to make each other laugh at any cost. It helped that we were in the same classes and that we felt like we only had each other. Over the next few years we both tried to find who we wanted to hang around, I introduced her to the people I thought I wanted to be around and she did the same. I always knew she would do alot to be liked, but who wouldn't, however i thought this in a severly minimal sense, nothing to the lengths of throwing away someone and never looking back. Another Best friend of mine at the time was having trouble letting go of the same people Crystal was beginning to hang out with, the people I introduced her to. They actually tried to cut My best friend of from me, by telling me to never call her and to ignore her in school. Can you imagine anything so cruel. All so I could feel more of an in with them. It was not worth it to do that to someone I sooned learned, she completely died inside. I immediately learned my lesson and ceased hanging around such horrifying isolated influences. Crystal, however, decided, these were the people, these were the ones she would lose her virginity too, little did she decide to see was that they had no intrest in her and simply fed on drama, fun, and something to do or talk about, Crystal, growning up without any real freedoms, did not give that to them in any lengths. However Crystal, my best friend, and I, still hung out the most out of any one else. She was fun and funny to talk to because she was so awkward in so many social aspects. However as soon as her slight encounter and new found friend, Alex started to spread rumors (big shock huh?) about me in order to feel better about getting back with the guy who betrayed her, this group of people who Crystal adored fed on it, they could not believe that someone would do all of the things Alex said I did. Neither could I when some people in school told me what I had done. This was her in, this is where she could get in, they told her to do exactly what they told me to do with my best friend, but the fine line between us is that she actually did. She told me that she could not believe I did those things, believeing Alex over me, not even hearing me out. She even used my phone to talk to Alex and to console her, I let her never believeing she would go ahead and do what she did. She finally told me that we were never actually friends, that we barely ever talked. She used me and it completely worked, she got what she always wanted by betraying me, she and them would talk aout me, and she had the best year of her life while trying to turn even my best friends against me, even my best friends. As if it suddenly became O.K. to turn everyone against one person, to make them believe rumors that were never true, to make them feel like they had no one. She was the ultimate Mr. Potter.

Sometimes I hate people.

I am listening to Cranberries, No Need to Argue, which is my favorite, it is so perfect with what I think the them of this blogg is, which is giving up or dying inside. Giving up, if it is your own life you throw out or your friends, either way you have to ask yourself, why you do it... and if that is good enough.

Bitter Instigator Fighting with Passion

Iam tired. I am so tired. Mostly iam physically tired because of all the over exserting I am have been trying to accomplish before going back to school on the fourth. I am in bed thinking about how absolutely tired Iam, trying to sleep off this beautiful day by going on the computer and I thought I saw an update of Rona on my mini feed on facebook... i was going to flip a suprised fit. I just cut my hair and I thought I saw a quick pic of her hair in almost the same way.. serious shit flipped. However it was just Anna, I guess someone i do not know.. haha my bad.

This got me thinking of all of the people are fucked up and who had nothing better to do in their misery but to fuck up my life, or to be completely coniving, because i threatened whatever they held to be important. Something funny about Rona was that I knew the back stabbing she did was unruthless, she lied to me telling me it was for mine and marshall's own good, and that everything she did she did because she was hurt and did not want to see mee get hurt either. HA! It easily was revealed that she lied and kept lying to everyone, telling them that she was the victem of a horrible crime, but in reality she wanted everything centered around her and her cruel tricks.

Unfortunately for me and Marshall all his friends and her friends believed her to bet he victem and her lies about ever having a relationship with him and that I had done all of these things to her, which were completely untrue... It was not untill recently that some of her friends re thought her horrible cruela de vill attitude, so friends denounced her on her stealing from them and some of them denounced her because she threatened their girlfriends from lack of attention? and such. The really attached friends are girls who either do not want to see the assfuck messed up girl she is or she is a girl who searches to hate someone and knows if she lets go of her one true friend then she won't have any one else.

Moral of Story: Cruelty, like any other vice, requires no motivation just oppotunity and it shakes hands with fear.

Unfortunately for me I am a bitter instigator with flares of passion and I do not forget unless someone gives me a reason to.

Dinos go to Cheesecake Factorys.

I have a UTI, well I dont KNOWWWW but I am pretty sure, it felt like I had to pee all the time yesterday, it was awful. It was painful but imagine having to pee REALLY bad all the time and even when you go pee, you still have the same feeling. It is so frustrating.

The song of the day is Bucky Done Gone by M.I.A.

She is so bad ass. A hybrid of Indian, British, south american, and miami trash awesomeness. You listen to her and become restored.

Another song that every person that feels down, is the sunscreen song.

I am in love with Nick for giving it to me one day. I heard it in '97 when it came out and then about 11 years later when he gave it to me, it was a huge balst from the past. And it definitely made me feel better. He just "dispences" his advice about your future and how you might want to consider living your life and it s amaazingggg. I heart and so will every girl. Listen to it alone and take it somewhat seriously and you will feel like I did, enlightened and LIGHTENEd up.

"Dont worry about the future, or know that worrying is about as useful as solving an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum."

"Get to know your parents, you never know when they will be gone for good."

"Live in New York City once but leave before it makes you hard, Live in Northern California once but leave before it makes you soft."

"Accept some inaliable truths, prices will rise, politicians will falander, you too will get old and when you do, you will fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected your elders."

Last night me and the gang, especially BEN...:) went to The Cheesecake Factory for 1.50 cheesecake, it was awesome... I got Keylime and a chai latte. Totally worth it. I was completely FULL! I mean although I am one of those peoples that eats 2 bites of their food and then become full....it doesent matter that cheesecake was HUGE. A dinosaur couldnt finish it.. ok maybe a dinosaur.

I would like to switch my dessert please.

I just realized that I like tasting a little bit of everything that is why I hold onto things physically for so little time. Even if something is right in front of me that I will love for a very long time and I know its good for me, I will let it go to find something more or rather new. The chance of tasting something else is more appealing than ordering the same thing that I know I will love.

Lame.

I used to think that everyone compulsively will switch songs, it was just a thing everyone does...but I never realized untill now that I did it to see what was next because I might enjoy it more.

Lame.

I have to force myself not to change a song or.... a relationship.

Lame. Lame. Lame.

Flying footballs and Dreaming of Amnesia: :)

I am so dramatic although I attempt, very poorly I need to add, to not be. I was in the Thousand Islands this past week with gerlinde and Claudine of course. It was awful at first mostly because everyone was grumpy, I am still not sure why, maybe because 2/3rds of us were riding the crimson wave, if you know what I mean. There was no sun for most of the time, especially if were out trying to do river activities, like tubing. We did eventually tube and I almost died, if I was not wearing a life jacket i would have been in trouble. Basically Rach and I ripped off the covering where the handels lie on the tube and flew off, I skidded on the watter like a skipping stone with my head, got reflipped in the air and then the water rushed to pull me under. I could not, with all of my might figure out where to pull my self up to. Finally after my arms became tired of clawing the water, my life jacket floated me to the top. It sucked....almost. :)

Since I was like eleveni decided I was going to marry Colin Farrell and it still seems like an excellent idea. But all I really want to do is to switch my boyfriends personality into Colin Farrells body. I love my love bug but sometimes I want diferent things. OK, I ALWAYS want different things.

Like yesterday afternoon when me and James were driving home and we were finally having an excellent day, laughing, hugging, kissing,....straight up loving each other, something crossing my path and shocks the shit out of me in the form of a football.

I saw someone standing in the middle of the street and I was thinking to myself, "what a jerk, get the fuck out of the road you idiot." He was wearing what any douche bag would wear, long (too long) basketball shorts and an oversized green shirt. he must have just woken up. Then as if out of no where a football flies out in front of the car to this douche, which was to say the least a bit suprising since I thought he was just crossing the street.

Then there he was.

I thought he was still in Turkey or egypt or whatever and that was perfect cause it made it almost impossible for me to see him. Its not like I am in love with him but it makes me a bit emotional when I see him when I least expect it. It kind of brings back all of the stupid embaressment of how things ended. I only completely obsessed over him for like a month. I actually had to delete his number out of my phone so I would not txt him. Lame. I know. But there he WAS. I had dark avaitors and a stunned face on and he didnt recognize me in the car, I dont think. Sometimes I wish he had, I want him to think about me so I wouldnt feel so embaressed for doing the same.

My current James is the best guy I have been with, maybe it is because he loves me soooo much. I thought I loved him but I dont know anymore. At least not in the way he wants me too. I love him as a friend and I keep telling my self thats what I need for the basis of me to love him for....real. I really want to be where he is. Where I would do anything for him and think of each other as the only ones in the world. I WOULD do anything for him but I would also die for people I hate, only because Iam passionate not because I think they are the ones for me or whatever.

I think it is better for someone who wants my life more to take it, I have never really wanted it, not because Iam all depressed, but because I dont care about it and I am so tired of everything and if someone REALLY wants life where people are ridiculous over silly things then THEY can have it. Like this, this stuff Iam OBSESSING over, I HATE IT! I want it to not be a problem in my mind, to just... forget. Thats what I need amnesia, every couple years. ha.